This Is NOT my Home...

So, God and I have been "arguing". Well, really, I have been arguing at God and He has been patiently taking it and loving me. In the most unexpected way, on my drive to church this morning, He showed me this.

I was driving to church by myself. I don't often drive anywhere by myself, but Adam stayed home with the kids this morning and I headed to church on my own. I was half listening to KLOVE, thinking through the day to come in my head, going through all the house stuff, the Cameron's and Silas, a good friend who has a very sick grandmother, missing an uncle whom I loved dearly and who got to go home before us all; thinking about how unfair this life is, when this song came on. If you haven't heard it, please, listen to the whole thing, preferably with your eyes closed, the video is distracting but it is the best one I could find.



I have heard this song before but had never HEARD this song. In the past I had been distracted by kids, videos behind my head, life. This morning, God stopped me in my tracks (literally, I came to a red light) and made me LISTEN to this song. Wow. He broke me. Sitting there, at the red light, He broke me. I bawled like a baby. And I got angry. And I cussed at Him and I vented, and I complained. And He took it. And then, He dried my tears and gave me peace and understnading and He LOVED me and He forgave me.

I have been so angry and confused. Really, why is life this HARD?! I know nothing good is ever easy. But really! It felt like the punches just kept on coming. WHY IN HELL IS SILAS STILL AT CHKD?!?!?!?! That is when He spoke to me. I AM NOT FINISHED, DO NOT GIVE UP ON ME!

God, this is hard. It hurts. Life hurts right now. In the loudness of all that is going on, in the craziness of all this human life, I have lost Your "still, small voice". Faith is hard right now, believing is hard right now. Not that You came, lived and died for me, but that You intimatley care about what is happening with me and those I love NOW.

But this morning you come in with a song. Not a loud, booming song that makes me wanna roll down the windows and belt it out, but in a calm, quiet voice of a song. You re-assure me with your Word that I have all but ignored the past few weeks out of anger and weariness.

"Matthew 10:29-32 (NIV)
29 Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father’s care.[a] 30 And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. 31 So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows."

"Luke 12:7 (NIV)
7 Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows."

It is so important, it is in there twice. He cares, He knows, He is holding every single tear I have cried in His hands, He has cried them with me. How foolish am I to think otherwise? God broke me this morning in the most wonderful way. I feel renewed, I feel hopeful again. Beyond everything else I have to believe this last verse, even though right now, it seems impossible. He is doing a new, work, a wonderful thing, my narrow eyes just can't see it yet. But when I go home, to Him, I belive He'll show me then. Until then, I remind myself, this is not my home. I am here, a visitor; learning, loving, trying to become like Him in all the ways I can and I am going to fail at that, a lot, but I pray I can succeed in it just as much.

Romans 8:28(NIV)
28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who[a] have been called according to his purpose.