Call Me the Fool

What a 2 months it has been. What a testing of faith. It started with a good friend loosing her 6 day old baby, followed by another good friend almost loosing her 17 month old son (God is showing us a miracle here!). I felt like I had been punched in the stomach for a good week. It didn't make sense...scratch that, it still doesn't make sense. I have been grappling with why God would choose to take a child from their mother.

I can't even take my mind to imagining what this would be like. It breaks my heart. Becoming a mother brought with it a love so far beyond any I had ever experienced. I know God put that in us for a reason and I can't let myself feel guilty that my children are 2 healthy and happy little people. But Lord, I don't understand and I don't know how to explain why these things happen. I don't think anyone can.

I KNOW you are still good and your are still LOVE. I know you do not love these mothers ANY less, so why have they been given this burden? Why does any mother have to go through this? Even more, why do bad things happen?! Cliche, I know, but sometimes it just doesn't make sense.

So, in all this battling of the mind and heart, I keep ending up at Romans 5:3.

"3 Not only so, but we[a] also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us."

We don't hope in vain. The Holy Spirit in us makes our hope more than just a feeling, but an active verb. Our hope does something, it is not pointless. Our prayers mean something and they are heard by the almighty God sitting on His throne with the scores of angels and the elders. In the midst of ALL this, our hope is heard by God. What an AWEsome feeling.

So, I will take my sometimes mustard seed size faith and I will hope in our Lord and in His will. I don't understand, but I don't have to. I will pray without ceasing for LIFE for Silas Cameron, because I believe God can and will respond. I will believe in a whole heart for Maggie. One that was broken apart, I will trust in the Lord for healing and for purpose to one day be shown. And I will pray everyday for a peace for her until that comes.

I heard a friend pray in the waiting room at CHKD "Lord, if this is foolish prayer, than call me a fool" Lord, I choose to HOPE and to believe. I may look like a fool at times. Doctors may think we are crazy, but you will not be made a fool. No matter what happens, you are sovereign and Holy and good and right. Sometimes all I can say is "this is too much" but you know this story (the story of creation and life), cover to cover. It is a story that glorifies You and will make perfect sense in the end.

So, as I sit here confused, angry, hurt at times. I remind myself, you didn't promise easy. Faith isn't easy. But, if I am willing to stand up and be called the fool, my hope can move some mountains.